Joanie's Adventure

Joanie was my best pal’s gal. They were both fifteen years older than I was. When I first met them, I was twenty-five, and they were fortyish. I had just moved my sailboat to a new location and they lived a few slips over on a houseboat. Now I do not know what most of you think of when I say “houseboat.” The one’s that are pertinent to this story were more properly known as “house barges.” They had no engines; they were a rectangle shape, barge-like hull with a superstructure, or house-like edifice upon it. It was like living in a floating apartment. Theirs was a two-story affair, a bedroom and bathroom upstairs, and the “galley” and living room below.

Well Henry, Joanie’s old man, and I became fast friends immediately. Now, the stories about Henry and I will have to wait for another day. The adventure I want to convey at this time took place about four years after our initial meeting. In the intervening years, Joanie slowly warmed up to me. Being single, she fed me many a meal on that houseboat of theirs. It was usually late at night after Henry and I returned home from a night of debauchery. Joanie was either very understanding, or long-suffering, probably both.

The reason I say, “We returned home,” was that by then Joanie had sold me a houseboat of my own. That’s what she did for a living, she was the only houseboat broker in all of South Florida. She could hustle anyone out of a dollar. And it’s a damn good thing too, because I’ve never seen a person more in love with money than Joanie. Maybe she had reason to be, Henry did not work, and she was the sole support for both of them. They, by the way, were ex-New Yorkers who were very hip. They had lived in Los Angeles during the late sixties and owned a nightclub there. Oh, I forgot to mention, I first met them in 1975.

Now you cats that know me will automatically think this is one of my “How I got fucked sixteen ways from Christmas tales. Well, I am sorry to disappoint you. First of all, Joanie was not my type, of course in those days I would have fucked a wounded snake if some one would have held it for me. No, she was my best friend’s girl, and even an old hound like me had a line he would not cross. No, this is the story of how Joanie made me wealthy, and got me thrown into jail, all in one thirteen day period. Oh, and let’s not forget the local mafia came looking for me because of her, the Coast Guard, The Palm Beach Police Department … well you get the picture. Fuckin’ Joanie, I love ya’.

Well, like all my tales, this is going to need a set up to understand how I, and Joanie for that matter, went from law-abiding citizens (sort of) to desperado’s in a relatively short time. It all started with love. However, before I can get to the love, you must understand how we lived. Because it was that life style that brought me to the one true love of my life, and it was my one true love that brought me to the people some of you refer to as mafia.

Okay, here goes. I hope I do not bore you. When I first met Henry and Joanie, I was, as I’ve said 25 years old. I had two businesses that were doing quite well, thank you very much, and was a partner in a third. My day consisted of going to the office at 10 a.m. checking things out, giving marching orders to my staff, and then at noon going to lunch for the rest of the day.

Now, the next thing you gotta’ know is I drove really nice cars, Porches, Vets, shit like that. The dealers were just getting into leasing, and didn’t know what they were doing. Because of my age and my driving record, insurance for me was three times what it would cost to lease. And the leasing company threw in insurance and maintenance! At that time by business took me all over the state, so I was rackin’ up about 30,000 miles a year. So the leasing company gave me a new car every six months so the cars wouldn’t have too high a mileage when they went to sell them. I told you they didn’t know what they were doing. I had a lease with unlimited miles!

Now the reason the cars come into it is that Henry was what would I called a bus bench man. He would drive around Miami Beach, which is where we lived, and when he saw a single female sitting on a bus bench, and she caught his eye, He would drive around the block, and pull up to the bus stop, He would then offer her a ride. And nine out of ten times the female would get in his car. Now you say, so what’s the big deal in that? And you’d be right if the motherfucker was driving a fuckin’ Ferrari. But he wasn’t, he was driving a 10-year-old Volkswagen with no seats in it. His dog, a little Dachshund, had eaten the upholstery, so Henry took out the mental frames that were left, and got himself an orange crate to sit on. I don’t know what the hell the women sat on, but ‘ol Henry got laid every fuckin’ day from his bus stop escapades.

Then I come into his life with my fancy new cars, and a shine came to his eyes. I guess what was going through his mind was, “Think of the possibilities.” Before you knew it, we were out cruising every day. We’d start in the afternoon and depending on what action we ran across, might not get back to the boats until the next morning. The way it started was, I would go out and visit my accounts everyday, not that I had to, but all my guys were hip. So when I got to their place of business, rather then conduct business, we got high in their offices. Then when Henry started to accompany me on my “runs,” they soon developed into what they developed into, afternoon and evening cruising sessions. That’s how I met the love of my life.

It was a few days before Christmas. I don’t know what year, but I was about 27. I was at one of my accounts, a “Head Shop,” you know where “drug” paraphernalia was sold. I told you my guys were hip.

So, I left Henry in the car, the shop was on the beach, and the passing parade of beauties were enough to keep him occupied. I walked into the shop thinking I’d just shoot the shit with the owner, let him know I was thinkin’ of him, and if he had a little dope, so much the better.

Well, I hadn’t been through the door for more than a second before I fell in love. There she was, looking into a display case of hash pipes. Red hair, petite, a figure a women half her age would kill for; yes once again she was fortyish. But to me she was the sexiest woman I had ever laid eyes upon. Now, after spending two years with Henry, I had finally learned how to speak to the opposite sex. Prior to meeting Henry, I was shy around woman. He taught me that woman are just like you and me, but only smarter about going after what they want, and if you were somehow lucky enough to be what a particular woman wanted, then nothing this side of hell was goin’ save ya'.

Now that I knew the ropes, thanks to Henry, I walked right up to her, gave her my killer smile that never failed, and said, “Howdy, may I help you.” I figured if she thought I worked there she’d be more open to talking to me.

She told me she was looking for a hash pipe for her son, for a Christmas present. Well, to make a long embarrassing story short. I came on to her with everything I had. Hell, I was used to pushing women out of bed, locking my door to them. I had them literally flying through my windows to get to me. That’s a story in itself. But this broad wouldn’t give me the time of day. I tried everything, and she just blew me off. With that kind of effort, I usually would have been in the back room by now, and laid. But the best I got that day was her name and where she worked.

I remember walking out of that shop, getting into my car, and just sitting there. I said nothing to Henry, I just stared at the door of the shop, waiting for her to come out. Henry looked at me and said, “What’s happening? Let’s blow this pop stand.” I turned to him and said, “I can’t, I’m in love.” I told you Henry was hip, and older than me, so he took my pronouncement in stride. In fact he thought I was full of shit. But I refused to start the car and leave until she came out of the shop. I wanted one more look at her.

Yeah, she walked out of the shop and gave me a half smile and turned her back on me. FUCK! “I’m goin’ get the broad if it’s the last fuckin’ thing I ever do,” were my thoughts as I started the engine. Anyway, I knew where she worked. It never occurred to me that she might have been bullshitting me just to get rid of me. In those days (and believe me those days are long since gone) all I had to do to get laid was pull up to a red light, put my window down ,and say to the honey in the next car, “How ‘bout cocktails?” She would then say, “Where?” And I would respond, “On my boat.” It was that easy. They never said no. But here I am with shit all over my face, thrown there by this fuckin’ old broad. It was going to be my mission in life to make her fall in love with me.

Okay, I’ll tell you what I didn’t know at the time. Her name was Terry, she had just gotten out of prison. She had done five years of an eleven-year rap. She had been a member of the infamous “Murph the Surf” gang, named after Jack Murphy the leader. Jack got all the press, they even made a movie about him. But there were two leaders of that gang. The other was Bobby Greenwood, Terry’s old man. You older folks might remember the “Star of India” heist from the New York Museum of Natural History. It was one of the biggest jewel thefts in history. Well, my little love was in on that. The gang all got light sentences because everyone loves a jewel thief. But when they got out, and reassembled, they went crazy. No need to go into the details here, but it was murder, and all the men are still in prison. The women, as women did in those days, received lighter sentences. Which was only fair, they had nothing to do with the killings. They just spent the money from those endeavors on furniture.

However, the main reason she would have nothing to do with me was the fact she had a man paying her bills. She had three kids from three different men, and I guess it can get scary out there, especially if you’re on parole and all alone in the world with no man to take care of you. Not to mention the three fuckin’ kids you’d gotta’ feed. But I didn’t know any of this at the time. All I knew was that I had the hots for an old broad that wouldn’t’ give me the time of day.

You’re probably thinking, “Where the fuck’s Joanie in all of this.” Be patient my friend. There would have been no “Joanie’s Adventure” if not for Terry.

Okay, I’ll spare you the details on how I won Terry’s heart and got her to throw over the sugar daddy in favor of me. And no, I did not take up the slack. As I’ve told you, I didn’t know there was any slack to be taken up. She had not lied to me about where she worked. Once I knew where to find her, it was only a matter of time my friend, only a matter of time, before she was mine.

All right, now we can get down to the nitty gritty. Terry and I got hot and heavy, and eventually I got to know “associates” of hers from the old days. These were second tier members of the gang. At the time all the shit went down they were young, but when I met them they were Terry’s age, and just getting out of prison.

To try to shorten this up for you, I’ll just give you the high points. Back at that time, almost every one was smuggling marijuana into South Florida, even the” good old boys” on the west coast. Shrimpers, fishermen, and the like. They referred to the bales of pot as “square grouper.” That is where Sonny was based out of; he had done eight of a twenty-year sentence. So, Sonny and the others guys fell right into the smuggling thing. And they’re making money hand over fist, and nowhere to put it. That’s where I came in. They thought my business was just the place to invest some of their ill-gotten gains.

Now, I’ve got these wise guys as partners. I have to admit; as far as partners went, they weren’t too bad. Every Saturday another briefcase of cash was flung onto my desk. It got so I told them enough all ready. I remember one Saturday I was on my boat because I was trying to avoid that week’s stipend. Well, ‘ol Butch tracks me down and says, “What’s wrong with me? Why won’t you take my money? I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I said, “Okay Butch, just this one time.” And with that, he tosses me a brown paper bag, and said, “Here’s 50 large ($50,000.00) thanks for taking it.” “Don’t worry about it; maybe you can do me a favor someday.” They never asked for stock, or for anything to prove they had invested money with me. They never even asked what percentage of the company they were getting for their investment. Actually, they bought the damn thing three times over.

They were bringing pot in every week. They had a squadron of boats that would go out and pick the stuff up from the “beaner” boats. A beaner boat was what brought the stuff up from Columbia. It was a square-hulled thing, with a wheelhouse big enough for only one man.

I may have given you the wrong impression about the time line. It wasn’t until two years into my relationship with Terry that I got hot and heavy with the “boys.” By then Terry was living in Los Angeles. I had opened an office out there and rented an apartment. Once there, Terry went “Hollywood” on me and refused to come back to Miami. So I left her butt out there. She was having a ball. She hooked up with an old girlfriend, a “fence.” You know, someone who buys stolen goods. She sold me a diamond ring I wanted for Terry, three carets. Got it for $1,000.00. One time Terry and I were fighting and she took the ring off and threw it at me. I just picked it up and put in my pocket, and said thank you. You should have seen the look on her face. Well, being a sport I gave it back to her, and it never left her finger again.

Now I can bring Joanie back on stage. As I’ve said they had a squadron of boats bringing the stuff in, but they were all small speedboats. I don’t think there was one over thirty feet. Of course, I knew nothing of their business at the time, except they were making a ton of money. However, I asked no questions. The thing is, more pot was coming up from Columbia then they could bring in. And anything not off-loaded to a boat for the run into Miami was tossed overboard. Millions of dollars worth of pot was thrown into the Atlantic. The beaner's only brought the pot one-way. There were no round trip tickets for the bales of marijuana.

So one day Sonny comes up to me and says, “I just found out you know how to sail. Want to make a run and pick up a load for me. I’ll give $50,000.00 and you can be the foreman of the off-loading crew for another $25,000.00. You won’t have to do any work, just watch the boys, and keep ‘em working. I sure as hell didn’t need the money, but I was a junkie for adventure, so I said, “Sure, why not?”

As usual, there was a catch. We needed a large sailboat. I had sold mine a few years earlier, so what to do? It was then that I thought of Joanie. I told Sonny that I knew a woman that was sort of a yacht broker and maybe she could find a sailboat to meet our needs. He said, “Get her, I’ll pay her anything as long as we have a boat within 48 hours.”

Sonny should not have said in reference to Joanie, “I’ll pay anything …” I called her and told her what we needed and what Sonny had said. Now there is an indelicate term used when speaking of a woman becoming sexually aroused. It has something to do with moisture. Well, even over the phone I could tell Joanie was turned on. Money did that to her.

Long story short, she got us the fuckin’ boat. This is significant because it was the introduction of Joanie to smuggling. But I’ll come back to Joanie in a minute. I’m sure you guys want to hear all about my first smuggling run. And if you don’t, tough shit because here it is anyway.

The next day I went and picked up this beautiful 45-foot cruising sloop. I think, I knew at the time, but old age you know, she chartered it for a week. Okay, enough bullshit, to the chase. I’m given coordinates on a chart and told to be at that exact location at sundown the next day. It’s a 10 to 12 hour trip if I have a moderate wind.

I get my mate, a young kid. Listen to me, “young kid.” I was 28, and he was 22. We get going at first light. We don’t want to be late for our first date.

Now no one told be anything, just go to point ”A,” be there at a specific time, get the shit, and come back. Simple no? Simple yes, but when I get to Point “A” there are twelve or thirteen other boats hangin’ out at the same spot. And sundown was only a half hour away. Well. I needn’t have worried. They were there for the same reason as me, which very shortly became self-evident.

I don’t know how someone sitting in Miami, and someone out on the Atlantic can coordinate things so perfectly, but 48 hours previously Sonny told me that the little beaner boat would arrive at point “A” at sundown, and by God so it did.

As soon as it arrived, the other boats got in a line. Because I was the biggest, I guess I just knew intuitively that I should be in the back of the line. You know what the scene reminded me of, a check out line at the grocery store. Here we were fourteen boats all lined up waiting to be checked out. There were two guys on the beaner boat. One passing bales to the crew of the boat that was along side of it at the moment, and the other guy, with a clipboard, keeping a tally of how many bales each boat took on board. Man, these guys had it down to a science.

After a little while our turn came. My mate was down below, and as the beaner guy handed me a bale, I would hand, toss, or throw it down to him. We, in a very short time, were filled to the gunwhales. I couldn’t stick my hand down below, and still they were throwin’ bales at us. I told them if they tossed one more bale on my boat I’d sink the son-of a- bitch and tell Sony that they rammed me. I then told the mate to get the fuckin’ bales off the deck and heave them overboard. As we cast off, I shouted to the motherfucker with the clipboard, keep those bales I just tossed on your tally and I’ll … that’s all I got out. We were too far away for him to hear me. As we headed east, I saw my friends heaving what remained of their cargo into the dark waters of the nighttime Atlantic.

We came in the next morning to Dinner Key Marina. All we had to do was tie her up, walk away, and make a phone call. She was now someone else’s problem.

I received my $75,000.00 a few days later in a brown paper bag. To tell the truth, I would have made the run for nothing. The money was a bore. I threw the bag into my bedroom closet and forgot about it.

After that, Joanie and Sonny became fast friends. She started getting him big boats so nothing would have to be thrown overboard. The boats however were motor yachts, not my cup of tea. I made a few more runs using different sailboats that Joanie dug up for me, but to be honest, once you do it, then everything else is anticlimactic. So now that Sonny and Joanie had things under control, I went back to my sedate life of getting laid as much as possible.

There is one last thing I’d like to tell you about before we move on to the story I promised at the beginning of this yarn. As I’ve told you, Sonny’s organization was bringing up more pot than they could get into Miami. Well, other organizations were running into the same problem. So bales started to stack up on various islands in the Bahamas. Sonny had his way of doing things, meeting the beaners, and running in at night. But other guys would bring the shit up from Columbia and use the Islands as a staging area. There were tons and tons of the stuff sitting on various islands just waiting to be brought in, but there were not enough boats, or more aptly, not enough big boats available to get the job done. And because of this “problem,” a phenomenon took place that marked the beginning of the end of the cowboy smuggler days and the rise of the bloody years of the early 80’s.

What started to happen was that a few Bahamians got the bright idea of high jacking boats to bring the stuff in. And they weren’t nice about it either. When they would see a boat that caught their fancy, and it was usually a sailboat, they’d simply murder whoever was on board and throw the bodies overboard. Then they would load her up, make the run into Miami, and abandon the boat. They used it just once.

To illustrate what I’m talking about I’ll tell you of two incidents that happened to people of Sonny’s organization. One of those people was me, the other, a guy I knew pretty well, and liked a lot.

I think it was on my third run that I ran into some minor trouble. It could have been worse if not for the fact that Sonny had all his crews carry at least one M-16 machine gun on board. It was for defense only. Yeah Sonny was a gangster, but he was a good gangster, he had a good heart. He didn’t want any of his people harmed. We were told only to use the gun in self-defense, and firing at the US Coast Guard did not constitute self-defense.

First my story, though there’s not much to tell. We were sailing out to meet the beaner, when a speedboat came out of the east at a full throttle, heading right for us. I turned the helm over to my mate and picked up binoculars lying on the seat next to me. What I saw was a boat full of men, maybe five, or six, and one of them had a rifle in his hand. So I went below and broke out the gun, went back up on deck and awaited the inevitable. I kept the gun on the seat; I didn’t want them to see it just yet. When they got to within a hundred yards of us, they started to circle the boat, getting closer all the time. The fellow that had been holding the rifle now had his hands free. We were both keeping our little surprises secrete. One of the men waved to us in a friendly fashion. I let them get to within 20 – 25 yards of us, and then I picked up the gun and gave them a spurt right across the bow. I aimed low, and then I raked the water with a second burst not five feet from their boat. I could have sunk them if I wanted to. After my little show of force, I pointed the gun right at their stunned faces. As I’ve said, there isn’t much to tell. They turned the boat around and high tailed it out of there as fast as they had come.

The second story is tragic. My friend and his mate where anchored off Eleuthera, by Rock Sound when they were boarded in the night. Before they knew it, three men were standing over them with guns in their hands. They had been asleep in their bunks. They were told to go on up on deck, and when they got up there they were separated, the mate was marched to the bow and my friend was told to sit down in the cockpit. They then put a bullet in the mates head and threw him overboard. One of the men kept a gun pointed at Jess, my friend’s name, while the other two made ready to get under way. One brought up the anchor, and the other started the engine.

The three men were in high spirits, laughing and joking among themselves. After about half an hour they pulled into a little cove and in this cove was a downed plane. It had been a single engine job and its tail was sticking up out of the water. In fact, that was all that was visible of it. The plane was about 300 yards from shore. Because of the draft of the sailboat, the men transferred Jess to the small boat they had used to get out to Jess’s boat. They then brought him over to the plane and told him to get on the tail. And there they left him, laughing uproariously as they departed.

Jess was stunned to say the least. He had just seen his friend murdered and now here he was perched on the tail of a downed plane in the middle of the night. So he sat there for about five minutes before got his wits back. He then figured he’d just swim to shore. What he would do after that, he did not know, he only knew he wasn’t going to spend the night on a goddamn tail of an airplane. Just as he was about to jump into the water he saw a fin slicing the surface, then another, and another. The whole lagoon was teaming with sharks. It, as he learned later was their hang out. That’s why the bastards were laughing as they left him. I fact that’s why they didn’t kill him right out. He was to be their evening’s sport. Jess stayed on that tail for a day and a half before someone happened along and rescued him.

Well I’ve stalled long enough. I reckon I’m going have to tell you guys my best Joanie story. I have a lot of them, but I think you agree with me that this one takes the cake.

Okay, where were we? Oh yeah, Joanie’s running all over creation getting boats for Sonny and his crews. In the course of all this running around she encounters one, Arimus Neely. We just called him Neely. Neely was the head honcho of West End. West End is on the island of Grand Bahama, and as its name implies, it’s at the west end of the island. Neely had found some boats for Joanie or vice versa. They were both scoundrel s, and so they hit it off right away. I don’t get into other people’s business, so I didn’t know the man as this story opens.

Joanie gets a call from Neely telling her that a plane has crashed on his island and it had a 150 footballs in it. Now football was the term used for kilos of cocaine. These packages were tightly wrapped in plastic, I mean tight, and had the same shape and size of a football. He makes no mention of the pilot, and Joanie later told me she didn’t want to know any details. She wasn’t sure the whole crashed plane story was even true.

Believe it or not, Ronald Regan has a part in this story; we’ll get to him in a minute. On the particular day Joanie received Neely’s call, cocaine was selling for $45,000.00 a kilo. He told her he’ll sell her all she wants at $15,000.00 per kilo. He asked her to fly over, he’ll show her the goods, and let her take one back to help work up some customers in the States. Now Joanie is salivating at the thought of a $30,000.000 profit per kilo.

Joanie was a tough old broad, but even tough old broads don’t go into something like that unless they can bring an ass-hole along to take a bullet for them. So guess which ass-hole she chooses to take along with her? If you said Billy Doyle you would have been correct. She called me up and tells me the score, and seeing as how I haven’t done anything stupid for at least a week, I agree to go along for the ride. Ride hell, I ended up being the goddamn driver, mechanic, and chief bottle washer of the whole fuckin’ mess. And mess it did turn out to be.

Now, Joanie and I were not the kind of people to own a private plane, even though we could afford to, no, we just leased one. So we called our pilot and told him, drunk or not, meet us at the airport, we got shit to do. He was used to us by now, and the fact that we paid him three times the going rate for pilots, made him very good at not asking questions, and keeping his mouth shut. I wish I knew what I was getting myself into when I stepped onto the plane that godforsaken day. If you believe in Karma, this episode was my pay back for a lot of things.

Joanie and I lived on Miami Beach, but we flew out of Fort Lauderdale. There was a reason for that, and I’ll fill you in on it later, but right now, I’d like you to meet Neely.

Joanie and I hop in a cab, one never brought one’s own car along on a score, didn’t matter what, you always start out clean. We got to the airport, and Frank, our pilot, was revving up the plane. When Frank saw us, he stepped out of the plane and opened the door for Joanie. Of course, I take advantage of his courtesy and scramble in after her.

The next thing you may be interested in was our landing on West End. First of all, I was amazed that West End even had a landing strip. There really is nothing there, but being able to fly into West End did save a lot of wear and tear on my butt. I ended up flying over there a lot, and the only other airfield was in Freeport, an hour’s drive away.

The “landing field” was basically a road built on a spit of land. If it was larger, it could have been called a peninsular. It jutted out into the Atlantic; there was water on both sides of the runway, and no windbreaks, which enters into our story.

The day we picked to make our grand entrance onto West End was one of the windiest days in recent memory, except for hurricanes of course. Poor Frank made three passes and couldn’t get us down because of the cross wind. He then said, “I’ll give it one more shot, but if I can’t get us down we’ll have to go back to Fort Lauderdale.” I thought great; “I’ll make it home in time to hit a little nightlife.” Joanie just set her jaw and looked unhappy. Neither one of us said a word. After the fourth pass and I got to admit that one was a lulu, the wind caught the left wing and lifted it 40 degrees, I thought the plane was going to flip. Frank said, “Let’s pack it in, we can come back tomorrow.”

That’s when Joanie said her first words of the entire flight, “Frank honey, you like your job don’t you?” She did not give him a chance to respond before continuing with, “If you still want to have it tomorrow you’ll get this motherfuckin’ plane on the ground now.” Oh, I forgot, that is what Joanie was famous for. People from throughout South Florida knew her as, “That Salty Tongued Red Head.” She had a mouth on her that made me, and any ten sailors, look like Sunday School teachers. And that’s goin’ some.

Frank turned to me, like I’m supposed to be the level headed one, but if I were so smart, I wouldn’t be in the goddamn plane to begin with. Hell, I was in bed with the sweetest little thing when Joanie called. The poor thing was still in my bed awaiting my return. I was on Frank’s side, let’s go home already! But all I could do was shrug my shoulders, put my thumb out in my old hitchhiking way, and point it towards Joanie. It was my way of saying to Frank, “You want to fuck with her, then be my guest, but leave me the fuck out this conversation.” I think Frank got my message, because he then said, “Okay, one more time, and if we can’t make it then you won’t have to fire me, I’ll quit.”

Well, I guess you can figure it out for yourself, we made it down in one piece. Once the plane came to a stop, Joanie patted Frank’s shoulder and said, “That’s a good boy, you see that wasn’t so hard.” Frank looked at her, and the look said, “You’re lucky you pay me so much you dumb bitch.” He then looked at me as if to say, “You wanna’ make somethin’ outta’ it ass-hole?” “Who me? I’m just along for the ride.”

So now that we’ve gotten to the West End in one piece, we send Frank on his way, it was no use keeping him there, we were going to be there a couple of days. Now finally, I get to meet the infamous Neely. He had expected us and was waiting for us at the airstrip. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but I’ve refrained from giving physical descriptions of the participants in this tale. Well, that’s going to change now. Neely I will describe. I want you to know what I saw as I stepped off the plane.

The man standing and smiling at us was about 45 years old. He was a little on the plump side, but not fat. He was black of course, as all Bahamians are. He stood about 5’ 10”, and had the biggest damn smile I’ve ever seen on another human being. Maybe it was just those white teeth set against that black face, but I liked the man immediately. I later found out that the smile was his stock in trade. That’s what con men do; they make you like them so they can then take you for everything you’re worth.

After the introduction, the handshake with me, and the hug with Joanie, we were ushered to his waiting car, and driven to his restaurant/bar. Don’t be impressed, it was a small cinder block building painted bright pink. I can’t remember if there was a separate color for the trim, but if there was, I’m sure that it was green. The front door stood wide opened, and we walked through it into a small room with a bar against the far right hand side of the room. The rest of the space was taken up with tables, maybe twenty in number. Oh yeah, there was a lazy overhead fan that made one revolution every two or three hours.

Neely brought us over to the bar and asked me if I’d like a drink. I kinda’ wanted to keep my head clear because after all, I was riding shotgun for Joanie. So I said, “A beer would be nice.” Then I was asked if I’d like something to eat. “Now ya’ talkin’ Neely my man,” were the first thoughts to go through my head, but I only said, “Yes, please.” As my food was being prepared, Neely took Joanie over to a table were they sat in heated discussion for about twenty minutes. I finished my seafood whatever it was with beans and rice at about the same time they stood and returned to me at the bar.

Joanie informed me that Neely was going to drive us into Freeport and put us up at a hotel. When Neely left us for a moment, she leaned into me and said, “Be cool Billy, I’ve got it under control, just follow my lead; I’ll fill you in when we get to the hotel.” Like I gave a shit. I was there to make sure no harm befell Joanie; I could care less what she had under control. Boy did that broad suck me in, hook, line, and sinker. Before this whole mess was over, it would be my shit to “get under control.”

So once again, into the breech. We pile into Neely’s car for the excruciating ride into Freeport. The road was a two-lane affair cut through the mangroves. As boring mile after boring mile passed, I thought, “Who were the first guys to cut this road, it must have been a bitch.” Then I looked over at Neely and thought, “Oh right, slaves.” Just as the modern day smuggler used the Bahamas for a staging area to make runs into the states, so did the slavers of old. That is why every country in the Caribbean is populated mostly by blacks.

So we get ensconced at the best hotel, like there’s a difference, in Freeport. Of course, we get separate rooms, not only separate, but on different floors. No, we did not do it that way because we feared not being able to control our ardor for one another, Jesus Christ, by now Joanie was more of a buddy to me than Henry; it was because they were the only rooms available.

I won’t bore you with my escapades of that night, she might still be married. The next morning, bright and early, about 10 a.m. Joanie called down to my room and tells me Neely is on the way, so I better get my ass up there right away. The phone had awakened my bunkmate. She sleepily looked up to me, and goddamn, what will power I had to muster not to let those blue eyes suck right back unto bed for the rest of the day. Instead I told her I would see her later. She then raised herself on one arm and said,“But we’re goin’ home today. Want my phone number?” “Sure as hell do. Leave it on the table. I really got to go now; you were somethin’ else last night. Let yourself out, and I’ll call you in a few days. Maybe I’ll fly up and take you out to dinner.” I would have too, but for the fact I lost the damn phone number. If you are reading this, and you know who you are, that is the reason I never called.

When I get up to Joanie’s room, Neely was already there, he had brought one “football “with him. While waiting for me to arrive, Joanie had told Neely that I was part of the deal, and that he could speak in front of me. Actually she need not have bothered because by the time I got there they had worked everything out between the two of them, and as Neely was leaving, he turned to us and said, “This my friends, will be a venture we’ll remember the rest of our lives.” Too bad he didn’t know at the time some of us we’re not going to live very much longer.

Now this is the place where I wanted to tell you about my homecoming. How the little lady was still in bed waiting for me, and how she helped me off with my boots, but no; straight to business. Joanie was hell bent on getting this enterprise going. She followed me to my boat, came aboard uninvited, and said, “You gotta girl here?” “Maybe, what’s it to you?” “Well, get rid of her we gotta’ talk, and besides you’re goin’ be too busy for the next few days to even think about getting laid. Where is she? I’ll get rid of her, probably in your bed you pervert.” “I got a better idea. Seeing as how I’ll get no goddamn peace until I hear what you’ve got to say, let’s go over to your boat; and we’ll leave the little lady alone. Okay?”
“Little lady my ass, knowin’ you, she’s probably a filthy whore.” And from the bedroom upstairs we hear, “I heard that you bitch!”

I figured that was a good time to leave. “Come on big mouth let’s split,” was what I had to say to Joanie. And to my love upstairs (for the life of me I can’t remember who was upstairs that day) I said, “Be right back honey, keep your motor runnin’.”

We no sooner walked through Joanie’s door then she said, “Who the hell are we goin’ sell this shit to?” I told her to calm down, and asked her, “When did I become a partner?” “Billy darling, I thought you knew from jump that you were in this with me.” “Bullshit Joanie, if you didn’t need me to help you peddle the shit, you would have paid me off with a beer and sent me on my way a long fuckin’ time ago. So don’t bullshit me “darlin’.” You got to hand Joanie, she could roll with the punches. “Okay ass-hole you’re a fuckin’ partner now. I got the shit, you sell the shit. Comprende?”

There was not a soul I knew who could move that much coke. Even Sonny’s connections were for pot only. This is where Terry comes back into the story. I told you at the beginning of this mess that there wouldn’t be a story if not for Terry. She was the connecting fiber throughout this adventure. And true to form, she’s back.

But as usual, I’ve got to set it up for you. Terry knew all the big time gangsters in and around Miami. She after all had made her “bones.” She took eleven years (and with three kids to boot) rather that rat out members of her gang. In certain circles she commanded a lot of respect.

Now when it came to big time gangsters, there was none bigger than John Anderson. I know it isn’t your typical gangster name, but then again John was not you’re typical gangster. He had his fingers in every pie from Miami to California. And I mean every pie! There was not anything this guy was not into.

Okay, now you got to know that by this time Terry and I had been splitsville for a year or two. We’d run into each other on occasion, and when we did, we’d fuck like rabbits, but that’s all. She was out of my life.

But going back three years … Terry asked for a ride to a friend’s apartment, it was the first time I ever heard the name of John Anderson. This man was so heavy, and by heavy I’m not talkin’ weight, I’m talkin influence, he never had to leave his apartment. People came to him, and he conducted all his business from his bedroom. If fact he never left his fuckin’ bedroom. Hugh Hefner had nothing over this guy.

Of course I could not go up, very few were granted an audience with the great man, and then you had to be a made man; or in Terry’s case, a made woman, to get through the front door. And if anyone tried to get through that front door uninvited, they’d get a bullet in the head for their trouble. It had happened on occasion. But John lived in the city of North Miami, a small enough town where the cops that mattered were on his payroll. If someone was shot at his front door, it was a simple case of “Home Invasion,” the man was within his rights. That was the conclusion of the police investigation. First time, every time.

Anyway, when we get to John’s place I’ve got to sit down stairs like a smuck. After about twenty minutes I get tired of waiting, so I split. I don’t care how much I’m in love with you, you leave me hangin’ there’s goin’ be some words about it. Well, she never left me downstairs again. Because of her name in the community, she was allowed to bring her young lover up on her next visit to John Anderson’s apartment. That is how I met John. And I want to say right now, and right here, I have never met a finer gentleman. I loved John Anderson. Not at first of course, but for some unknown reason he took to me. Pretty soon I was going over there without Terry, and when Terry and I finally broke up for good, I was more welcomed there than she was.

Fast forward back to the present. A light bulb goes off over my head. “Fuck! John Anderson! He could move the entire 150 in a day if he wanted to.” I tell Joanie not to come just yet, but I might have a way to unload the shit in one fell swoop. But I think she’s already havin’ her fuckin’ orgasm. I also told her if she got in my face for only an instant in the next twenty-four hours, I would walk, and she could shove the entire 150 up her ass for all I cared. People who are dead today might still be alive if I had carried out my threat, because Joanie did get in my face, she just couldn’t help herself.

Now John was a night guy. Things didn’t start poppin’ at his place until midnight at the earliest. But I wanted to catch him before the crowd showed up. When I left Joanie, it was about 6:00 p.m. which meant I had at least three hours to kill before I could call John and ask if it was all right to come over. No matter how close one was to John, one never showed up without calling first.

Seeing as how What’s Her Name waited patiently for me for two days, I figured I could give her at least the next three hours. You wouldn’t be interested in what transpired. So let’s move on to my meeting with John.

I called John at about 9:30 and asked if it was okay to come over, I had something I wanted to talk to him about. As usual he said, “Sure, but stop off at the Chinese joint and get me a bucket of Won Ton. That’s how John fed himself. If you wanted to come over, you had to stop off and get whatever held his fancy at the moment you were speaking to him. That night it was Won Ton soup. Before leaving the marina I went over to Joanie’s and picked up one of the baggies of cocaine, so John could test the product.

I got over to John’s about 10:30, and no one else was there except for these two girls. They’re sitting on the floor next to his bed and he’s reading to them from Homer’s The Odyssey. John was my kind of guy, before he’d let a broad fuck him, he always tried to improve her mind. That’s why he and I got along so well. We were both voracious readers of books. We would sit for hours discussing Mailer, Tolstoy, and both of our favorite, Steinbeck. I introduced him to an out print book by Jack London entitled The Jacket (Star Rover). It is one the most mind blowing books I have ever read. I gave him my original copy, and he told me after reading it he almost called me as said, “”Who do you want killed? I love this book.” So you can see why John and I hit it off.

When I came in … oh, there was a third girl there, she’s the one who let me in, and took the soup from me. I guess John had her well trained because she went right to the kitchen and started preparing John’s repast for the evening.

So as I was saying, I walked into the room, and John looked up and said, “Hey Captain, let me eat then we’ll talk. I want to finish the part about Ulysses being lashed to the mast so he won’t succumb to the Siren’s song. I could tell the broads didn’t know what the hell John was talking about. One had a look on her face that said, “Siren, you mean like on an ambulance?”

All right, so as not to bore you to death, John ate, got rid of the broads, and we got down to business. I gave him my sample baggie, he did the usual, a taste, a snort, and then he got out the chemicals. Or more to the point, I got out the chemicals. John did not leave his bed unless he had to; and as long as I was there to root around his closet and get the damn shit, he was stayin’ in bed. The stuff did as it was supposed to; it turned a nice bright blue color when the proper shit was applied.

When John was satisfied the shit was pure, we agreed on a price of $40,000.00 per. I liked John, so I gave him break. Fuck Joanie, if she didn’t like. Let go out and find her own buyer.

I know I’ve gone on way too fuckin’ long. The upshot was John would take all I could deliver, but only six at a time. He said he didn’t like keeping a lot of shit around the house. He had the locals in his pocket, but there was always the Feds to worry about.

Well that is what cemented the shit that was about to go down. I might not have lost thirty years, Joanie might still be alive, and fuck Neely; the world is better off without him, if John had said, “Sorry Captain, no can do.”

Now that we got a supply, and we got a buyer, the only other thing we have to do is get the shit over to Miami. No sweat, right? Shit, no sweat! Now it’s time to tell you why Henry was cooling his heels in Los Angeles.

At the beginning of this tale I told you Joanie was either very understanding, long-suffering, or both. She knew all about Henry’s screwin’ around. She even knew about his bus stop shenanigans, and joked about it with me. But she was in her mid forties now, and something came over her. She fell in love. The guy she picked to fall in love with was a cat my age, good for her! And being the smart old broad that she was, she got Henry out of town by letting him think it was his idea to go and visit old friends in California. Now this is very important, so pay attention. It was the fact that Joanie was in love that I got me arrested. It is because Joanie was in love that the ball of yarn that was our little venture, as Neely had termed it, started to unravel. Don’t get me wrong, Joanie was the smartest woman I’ve every met, but you know the old saying about men who think with the wrong “head?” Well, Joanie started thinking with either her heart, or her pussy, but whatever it was, it didn’t go well with drug smuggling. This was a new Joanie to me. Men were always coming on to her, but she laughed at them. Not to their faces of course, but she would tell me of the inept as well as the dexterous passes made at her. Her thinking had always been the energy expounded in getting laid would be better put to use in making money.

Okay. We’re got that out of the way. Joanie’s in love, now to the problem of getting the shit to Miami. Somehow the problem became mine, and mine alone. I sure as hell wasn’t going to fly it in and go through customs again. So I prevail upon Joanie to get her head out of the clouds for a few minutes, and get me a goddamn boat. Well, the easiest way to do that was to call Neely and have him supply us with one, which is what she did.

So I grabbed my mate from the old pot smuggling days, called Frank, and the three of us flew over to West End. Neely met us, and took us to his goddamn bar again. For some fuckin’ reason he just couldn’t have the footballs there waiting for me. No, it had to be a big production. He wanted the money first then he would return with the footballs. Every time I handed him $90,000.000 (for six footballs at $15,000.000 each) I expected never to se him again. But this was the first time, and Joanie said he could be trusted.

Okay, short story, we get the footballs, and Neely gave us the loan of a 28’ speedboat. My mate and I made the run, and pulled up right next to my houseboat. That was run number one. I brought the stuff to John, got my $240,000.00, and everyone was happy. The next time we don’t fly over, we of take Neely’s boat; West End from Miami is about a two and a half hour run each way.

I do this shit three more times, and as they say, “Third time is the charm.” That’s the time I get arrested. I’ll get to that in a minute. But for those of you out there who might be saying, “Why did you buy only six at a time? If you doubled you order, you could have made less runs.” You know that is a damn good question, I even thought of that myself. The six limit was my idea, for some unknown reason, and I couldn’t put my finger on it, I didn’t trust Neely. It was obvious he didn’t have possession of the footballs; he was buying them from someone else using our money. And if at some point he decided not to come back with either the money, or the footballs, what could I do. It was his turf. And as you’ll see shortly, I was right on about Neely.

I’m now going to talk about my fourth and final run. Oh yeah, I forgot, these runs were taking place every couple of days. By the end of run four we had amassed $960,000.00. And that was in less than ten days. If you took out our original $90,000.00 investment, and the $40,000.00 we paid my mate for doing nothing more than keeping me company on the runs, that left a net profit of $830,000.00 divided two ways, meant $415,000.000 apiece. Big fuckin’ deal, I was beginning to hate money. I mean it’s nothing more than paper with green ink on it. The adventure aspect of this enterprise was wearing thin. I had decided that run number four was going to be my last run, no matter how much Joanie screamed and hollered. And you want to know what? It was my last fuckin’ run. The Palm Beach Police Department made sure of that.

So my mate and I leave from my houseboat bright and early that fateful day. We get to West End in less than three hours. Of course we have to go through the Neely crap, and wait around for him to do his shit. But eventually things happen and we can get on our way. It’s about 1:00 p.m. and the sun is shining, the birds are singing, as we get under way. We’re haulin’ ass across the Gulf Stream with six kilos of cocaine on board. When who do we see bearing down on us but the fuckin’ US Coast Guard.

Well, it was easy to out run them, they were too far away when I first saw them, so I altered my course and headed due east instead of the heading I should have been on, southeast. But because there is this thing called a radio, I thought it prudent to get the shit off the boat as soon as possible. Some fuckin’ copper was going to be waiting for us no matter what inlet we used to get to the Intercoastal Waterway.

The plan was to run onto Palm Beach, drop me off with the footballs and then the mate would continue on back to home base, clean and pristine as a newborn babe. Too bad it didn’t work out that way.

The first fuck up was we brought the boat in too close to shore. Ordinarily that would not have mattered. But that day, of all days, there was a swell, abet a small one, but just big enough so the boat could not get back out and running. I tried for a moment to push her off, but holding six kilos of cocaine kind of impeded my pushing off power. I told my mate I would find a phone ( this was way before cell phones) and call Joanie, as soon as she got up there and took the kilos off my hands then I’d be back to help him get the fuckin’ boat moving again.

Now, to the fuckin’ fun part. I’m going to make this as short and concise as I possibly can, which based on my performance so far, may not shorten the story very much at all. It’s painful to relive this portion of my tale, not because of what transpired, but because of my monumental stupidity.

I get to a phone, and get the bitch on the line. Now some of you might say, “Why is he calling his partner and friend a bitch?” Just hang on pal, you’ll see. I tell her I need her to come up right away, I’ve got a situation, and I need her. I told her where I was at, and she said she was on the way. Now Palm Beach is fifty miles from Miami, and there is an Interstate Highway between the two cites, so at most she should have been up there in a hour. After an hour and a half I called her again, now please remember, I hold 20 years in the state pen in my hand as I await the dumb bitch. I get her again, she tells me this time for real she’s on her way. Guess what I’m doing an hour and a half later. Right, I’m standing there with my thumb up my ass. I call a third time … you know the fuckin’ broad is still there.

I later learned she was having a tête ā tête with her new love. Jesus H. Christ! But she finally showed up four hours later. It took all the will power in my Irish carcass not to strangle the dumb bitch right then and there. I think the only reason I didn’t was because I needed her to get the footballs out of Palm Beach. You know she had the fuckin’ nerve to bring that fuckin’ ass-hole she was in love with up with her. He stood there with a shit-eatin’ grin on his puss while I handed the footballs over to Joanie. I could just picture him on the witness stand at my trial, “Sir, will you please tell the court what you witnessed on the day in question?” “Yes. I saw the defendant pass a million dollars worth of cocaine to his co-defendant, that red head sitting next to him.” “Thank you sir. No further questions, you may cross examine if you wish.” Yeah that’s exactly how it was going to go down.

Once I got rid of the footballs, and got rid of the two ass-holes that where going to take them back to Miami for me. I turned my attention to helping my mate. Now this is where the monumental stupidity I spoke of earlier comes in.
. I go tearing down the beach road back towards the spot where I left my mate and the boat. There are sand dunes about 15 to 20 feet high that separates the road from the beach, so you can’t see the beach from the road, but I knew right where the boat was. So I leave the road, and it’s up the sand dune, crest the top, and down the other side. As I’m descending the dune I see the boat, but there is something different about it, but the difference doesn’t register in my brain. And I continue to run toward the boat. My only thought being my mate needs me.

As I neared the boat, which now is beached, I see three men in it, and they are intent on what they are doing, they seem to be looking for something. The first thing I notice about them is that they all have guns strapped to their hips. So I know right away that they’re cops, even though the are in plain clothes. Once I get a gander at the guns, and I know who they are, I do a U- turn and start walking down the beach. I walk as if I’m out for an afternoon stroll, no hurry whatsoever. After I get about a hundred yards down the beach, I once again surmount the sand dunes, descend to the other side, and start walking along the road. I’m thinking how cool I am to have gotten away from the cops. I’ll just get a cab and go home. As these nice thoughts are going through my head, a police car pulls up next to me and the officer says, “Get in.” The cops weren’t as dumb as I thought. The guys on the boat must have seen me running toward the boat, and then witnessed my abrupt U-turn. They knew the boat was mine and they radioed to their buddy to pick up the ass-hole walking down A-1-A, which was the name of the beach road.

I don’t ask why he wants me in his car, I don’t try to bluff my way out of anything, I just do as I’m told, and get in his car, back seat of course. The only thing going through my mind is how fuckin’ lucky I am. Yeah that’s right, I said lucky. It hadn’t been five minutes since I handed the footballs off to Joanie. Five fuckin’ minutes! If this cop had happened along just six minutes ago, I’d be going to prison for twenty fuckin’ years. Even though I was in the back of a police car and in store for a few hours of bullshit, I was one happy motherfucker.

Look, I knew there was nothing on the boat to cause me grief. My plan was to play innocent. I would tell them I was delivering a boat for a yacht broker, Miss Joan Ruggiero. I would simply tell them the engines conked out, and I had to beach her, and went to make a phone call. The only thing was my mate, what happened to him? Well, I didn’t know it at the time, but he was the only one who showed any brains that day. When I didn’t come right back, he got his ass off the damn boat, got himself a cab, and went home. That’s what I meant about monumental stupidity. When I saw the boat was not going to get pass the swells, I should have ordered that the boat be abandoned, and both of us get a cab. I would have been in Miami three hours ago instead of in the back of a police car.

Now I’ve got to tell you a little bit about the interrogation at the police station. As far as I was concerned they had me, and could do with me as the pleased. Book me on whatever charges they could dream up. My plan was, as I’ve said, to play dumb. But their game plan was different. They were going to “nice” a confession out of me. A confession to what, they didn’t know. But they were sure I had been up to something, probably smuggling.

So the back and forth began. “What were you doing with the boat?” “I was delivering it from the Bahamas to Miami for a yacht broker.” “Why did you beach it?” “The engines died, I think it ran out of gas. I’m a sailor, I know nothing of engines.” Then they thought the had me. “Well, if you’re so innocent, why did you run when you saw us on the boat?” Great, I was waiting for this question. “I saw your guns, and I didn’t know who you were, I was on my way to call the police when the officer picked me up.” When they asked that question they, and there were three of them, leaned forward, anticipating my shuddering, non-response. When I gave out with a plausible reason for walking away when I saw them on my boat, you could see the wind being let out of their sails. They, as one, let out their breath, they been holding it in, and leaned back in disappointment.

So this crap went on for hours. Finally, I said “Why don’t we call the yacht broker, she’ll confirm my story.” They thought that a capital idea. Now any real investigator would have done that hours ago. This is where things get a little funny. Oh by the way, they tried to rattle me by telling me they found “traces” of marijuana on the boat. My only thought to that was, “Wrong drug boys, but nice try anyway.” Okay to the famous phone call. First of all, they said sure that’s a great idea, call your yacht broker. But when I picked up the phone to make the call, one of the cops said, “Wait a minute,” and scrambled out of the room. Man, how obvious can you get? Of course, I had to wait while he got to another phone so he could listen in to my conversation. I even heard him pick up the receiver. Now I wasn’t as cocky as I may sound writing these words 30 years later. I did have one big fear. That fear was that I wouldn’t be able to give Joanie a high sign, or a signal of any sort that we had three cops listening in on both sides of our conversation. If she said something stupid then the game the cops and I were playing would be all over, Cops 1, Billy zip.

Joanie almost blew it. When I got her on the phone and told her I got picked up by the police, and was calling from the police station with two of the officers sitting here with me (hint, hint), she exclaimed, “What, are you crazy?” At least she didn’t say “What are you crazy, why call me?” Before she could say anything else even remotely stupid, I cut in with, “I was just telling the officers how I was delivering a boat for you.” You see I was trying to convey the story line to her, so she could jump in with her own dialogue. Well to the old broad’s credit, she started to catch my drift and we talked like legit business people, sort of, Joanie was still in shock. Not because I’d been arrested, no, fuck me; it was because I had brought her into it. Brought her into it! Shit the only reason I was sitting in the damn police station was because she thought an afternoon fuck was more important than taking car of business, not to mention talking care of a so-called friend!

I wanted off the phone as fast a possible because I didn’t know what Joanie might say. I’d made my point to the cops, there was a yacht broker, and because it was a woman, there could be nothing nefarious about me. The cops didn’t buy the act completely, so we went around in circles for another hour or so. Finally, one of them said, and I am quite proud of this remark, and I quote, “You’re either the most innocent person we’ve ever had in here, or the smartest, I don’t know which.”

So they decide to let me go. At least that’s what it looked like to me, but that wasn’t the case at all. They had a little surprise for me, just down the road a bit. By now, it had gotten dark, and it was pouring rain. They told be I was free to go, hell; they’d even call a cab for me. That should have made me suspicious, but it had been a very long day, and I just wanted a drink.

They tell me I can wait for the cab on the front steps of the station. I had to, it was pouring down rain and the little over hang was the only protection from the wet. As I stood outside their building, oblivious to what was really happening, the cops kept peeking out the window at me, and when I saw them, they would duck back for cover, as if I had caught them doing something wrong.

I could drag this out all night, but let’s cut to the chase. The cab comes, I get in, and for the first time that day I can relax. I’m feelin’ pretty good, and I still want that drink, so I say to the driver, “I need a drink, how about pulling in somewhere and I buy you one too? He declines my kind offer, and for some reason he seems nervous. Another thing that should have gotten my attention is the fact that I’ve never known a cab driver not to want to stop when asked by a fare. The meter’s running. No cab driver is that well off that they can pass up easy money. But as I’ve said it had been a very long day, and my mind was numb.

About five minutes later the driver gets a call over his radio, he mumbles something into the mike, and says to me, “I’ll take you up on that drink now.” My thought was, “Good.” So he pulls into the first bar we see, and we both get out of the car, and he comes into the bar with me. Another missed sign, he could lose his license by being seen in a bar while on duty. But my only thought is of a vodka and cranberry juice, with a lot of lime in it.

I order my drink and before it’s even made the fuckin’ cops come storming through the door, guns drawn, and make a beeline right to yours truly. “Fuck!” The cuffs go on, this time there is not doubt about it, I am arrested. Only God and the cops knew for what.

Okay, here’s what went down. It seems the cops were dead set on getting me for something. They had nothing, so they thought they’d have to let me go, but as a last ditch effort they ran the numbers of the engines to see if they might have been stolen. Now this was before computers, so it was taking a while for the info to get back to them. Then they came up with this brilliant plan of sending me on my way, but they would make sure they would be able to grab me with no trouble if the numbers came back as stolen. Hence the offer to call a cab for me. It was all a set up, they had a prearranged code if they wanted the driver to stop, and that’s why the driver was so nervous. For all he knew he had Jack the Ripper in his back seat. But the crazy thing is I was in no rush to quit the cops until I had their unqualified blessing. If they had told me they were running the numbers, and would not have minded sticking around until they came back, I would have been delighted to wait. But no, these clowns had to stage the “Great Raid.”

The up shot was one of the engines had been stolen from Jacksonville a year earlier. So I was charged with possession of stolen property. Only a fuckin’ misdemeanor. All in all, it had been a good day, except for the fact I didn’t get my vodka and cranberry juice with extra lime. I didn’t get picked up with the footballs, and I was saved from a murder rap. Because being in jail overnight allowed me to cool down enough so I wouldn’t kill Joanie on first site. I bonded out the next morning, and unbeknownst to me, the charge was taken care of by a friend. More on that later.
Well, folks it looks like it’s getting close to closing time, There’s just a few items remaining on the table that is known as Joanie’s Adventure. Just a few small items, like betrayal, death, murder, a “contract” for murder, and murder once again. I know this story has gone on far too long, longer than I envisioned when I started it, so anyone wanting to leave now may do so. For the rest of you, this is what happened next …

I got back to my boat the next day about noon, and seeing as how I hadn’t slept in nearly 48 hours, I was looking forward to a little sack time, by myself for a change. But it wasn’t to be. Just as I laid my head on that soft, inviting pillow, there was a knock upon my door. For once, I had the forethought to lock the door, so I thought I was safe. Whoever it was would go away eventually, and she, for I had no doubt it was a she, couldn’t get to me because of the locked door. The fuckin’ knocking continued until I heard the voice of doom, loud and clear, “Billy Doyle I know your in there, open up. We’ve gotta’ talk.” Yep, you guessed it. It was fuckin’ Joanie. She was lucky to be alive at this point; man was she pressing her luck.

Knowing I couldn’t win with the fuckin’ broad, I got out of bed, went downstairs, and yelled through the door, “I’ve got a gun pointed right at the door, heart level, if you don’t get the fuck off my boat in five seconds, I’m goin’ open fire.” My bluff didn’t work, because I then heard, “Fuck you Mr. Big Fuckin’ Shot. What, has one lousy night in jail turned you into a fuckin’ gangster?” “No, but you sure as hell have,” was my reasoned retort.

I knew the dumb bitch would never give me any peace until I heard what inane plan she had cooked up for me this time. ‘What the hell is it now? You want me help you rob Fort fuckin’ Knox? No, don’t tell me, it’s goin’ be a bank job this time. Or maybe …” It was there that she said, Billy, you’re such a card. You should go on television, you’d be a scream.” What the hell ya’ goin’ do with a woman like that? You’d either have to have her killed, or shut up and listen to her crazy plan of the week. I chose the later of the two options, big mistake! “Okay you crazy broad what do you want. And don’t think for one fuckin’ minute I’ve forgotten about yesterday. You owe me, and you owe me big time.” “Sure honey, that’s why I’m here, to make it up to you.” Right then and there, I knew I was in trouble. Anytime Joanie wanted to do you a favor, you could make book you’d somehow come out the loser. I figured the most painless way to hear what she had to say was to let her in, and tell her to make us a couple of drinks. I didn’t know if the sun was over the yardarm yet, but dealing with Joanie sure made it seem that way.

I reluctantly opened the door and admitted my nemesis. After she had made us a couple of cocktails, and we got comfortable in my living room, she told me of her grand vision. “Billy, you got to get over to John’s right away and give him the six you brought in yesterday. We need the money, Neely just called and said the supply might be drying up, and that we’ve gotta’ move fast.” So that’s all it was. Shit, I should have left her outside.

It took a moment for my anger to subside, I had just about had it with Joanie, Neely, especially Neely, and the whole damn shebang. I told Joanie that, “Number one, nobody, but nobody calls John before 6:00 p.m. And then it had better be a matter of life and death. Number two, I’ve had it, you can have my cut from this run if you’ll just leave me the fuck alone.” She only smiled at me and sipped her drink. Then she said, “Billy boy how you do go on.” I should have known better, nothing was going to dissuade Joanie when there was money to be made. So I said, “Look, let’s make a deal . You tell me what’s it goin’ take to get some peace around here. Just tell me the bottom fuckin’ line and I’ll do it. Short of making another run. You give me your word you’ll get the fuck out my life, at least business-wise, and I’ll do what ever you say. I’ve never known you to break your word, at least not to me. So, what’s it goin’ take you fuckin’ crazy broad?”

“Okay Billy, I’ll make a deal with you. You don’t want to make another run, that’s fine. I can get Aldo to do it.” Aldo was my mate’s name. I haven’t used it before because I couldn’t remember it until just now. It came to me as I was remembering this conversation with Joanie. She continued, “All I need you to do is see John, and get the money. Then I need you to fly over to Freeport, give the money to Neely, take the footballs from him, and hold them until Aldo gets there. One night, that’s all. I’ll pay for the best fuckin’ room they got. Then you can retire with my blessing. Is it a deal?” “Have I got a choice?” Oh Billy, I’d kiss you if I didn’t think you’d try to fuck me. You’re a sweetheart.” I asked, “Is that another word for sucker?”

I wait until 9:00 p.m. and then I call John. All I say is, “Are you ready for me?” He knew what I meant, and he responded, “Hey Captain where you been? I want to talk to you about this new fuckin’ book I’ve got. Yeah, get your ass over here, but first stop off at Tony Roma’s and get me an order, no make that two orders of baby back ribs. And two orders of onion rings. Now get moving, I’m hungry and I’ve haven’t had an intelligent conversation in days.”

You want to hear about me getting the ribs, or should I just get to the part where John has just finished eating, and I, like a good little domestic worker, am clearing up the mess to take it to the kitchen. None of the usual broads were there that evening. In fact, I thought it so strange that he didn’t have his staff on call, I asked him, “Where’s the broads?” John said, “If you mean the girls, I told them to skedaddle when you called. I want to talk to you. Wait a minute, let me disconnect the phone.”

I’m thinking, “Oh shit, I’m in a heap of trouble, that “new book” shit was just to put me off my guard. Some of those footballs must have been bogus.” After he finishes messing with the phone John turned to me and said, “So tell me Billy, what are you planning for your life?” Now this threw me on many levels. First of all, the entire time I had know John he had not referred to me by any other name than Captain, and where he got that was a mystery to me. Then for this gangster of gangster’s to be asking me a question that boarded on the metaphysical, well it was a bit much. I could only tell him the truth, “You know John, I’ve never looked past the next moment, let alone the next forty years. I don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow, and as far as the rest of my life is concerned, I’ll worry about that when it gets here.” He just looked kind of sad, shook his head, and said, “All you young guys got the same rap. I don’t suppose it would do any good to tell you that the ride you’re on is not going to last forever. No, I can see it in your face, you, like I was at your age, are immortal.”

This was, to say the least, not our typical subject of discussion, and I felt uncomfortable. In an effort to change the subject, I asked him if he was still in the market for footballs. “Why do you ask. You said you could get your hands on 150, and I’ve only taken 24. What’s up?” Well John I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this whole venture. For one thing I don’t trust the guy we’re buying them from; and I’m backing out. My partner is going ahead, and I just thought if you are making good money, I’ll make sure I get all she has and bring them over here.” With that last statement John threw back his head and laughed so hard I thought he had gone crazy.
“Captain Billy, my dear friend, don’t you know I only agreed to take your product as a way to help you. I’ve got an unlimited supply straight from Columbia. And at a less expensive price my friend.” This I did not expect, I thought I was being stand up, and here it turns out I’ve been the recipient of John’s largess.

I didn’t want to, but I had to ask, “You mean you had all the coke you needed, and you only took mine as a favor?” “No Captain, I took it as a way of keeping you close. I was afraid you’d go out and try to sell it to someone you didn’t know. And the percentages in that are not good. They would have either been cops, or guys out to rip you off, maybe even kill you for your product. And if that happened, who the hell would I discuss Dostoevsky with, I would miss you, and so would Fyodor.” He meant of course, Fyodor Dostoevsky the Russian novelist.

I gave up, John was light years ahead of me. But there was something I did want to know, so I asked a question I’ve wanted to ask forever, “John, why do you call me Captain?” He smiled, and put his finger to his lips, you know like quiet, don’t tell anyone. Then he said, “Do you remember how you got up here in the first place?” “Yeah sure, Terry asked you if it was all right if I came up, and you said okay.” “No Captain Billy that is not how it was at all. You were running with someone I had great respect for, and word got back to me long before Terry asked to bring you up here.”

I looked at him and said, “What the hell are you talkin’ about Johnnie boy?” “I’m talking about checking out anyone who walks through that front door. About a month before Terry asked if she could bring you up, word got back to me that she was running around with some young ass-hole. So because of my love for her, I made it my business to find out as much as I could about that young ass-hole. No offense.” “It’s cool John.” “So I made a few phone calls, and low and behold, what do you think? I find out that Sonny G. (no last names please) knew you. Well, I called him and asked him to fill me in on Terry’s young ass-hole. He told me how you, a legit citizen, stepped up when he was having trouble getting his loads in. How, when he asked you to make a run for him you did not hesitate. In short he said you were stand up. I was going to ask Terry to bring you up here anyway, but she asked before I had the chance.” “ Okay Big John, but why the Captain?” “Oh that, Sonny told be about the sailboats you captained for him. So I always pictured you at the helm of a sailboat. You understand now?” “Yeah, but why all the Billy shit now. I’ve known you for a few years now, what’s up?

John just looked at me and said, “Maybe I’m feeling a little sentimental, who the fuck knows. Let’s talk about this book I’ve just read.” If I had known that night what I was to learn a few days later I would not have let him change the subject so adroitly. However, John was a force to be reckoned with. One either went with the flow, or one was swept under by the current that was John Anderson.

“Okay John I can tell you’re dying to tell me about your new find. Let’s have it already.” “No Captain, no preamble, I just want your promise, no, your word of honor that you’ll read it.” “John if I tell you I’ll do something, I’ll do it. You don’t need my word of honor. Others maybe, but not you.” “Okay Billy, this book is entitled There Is A River. It’s a biography about Edgar Cayce. And before you ask me who the fuck Edgar Cayce is, just read the damn book. Okay” “Okay already!”

Just then the intercom from downstairs buzzed. John reached over, pushed the button and said, “Yes. The phone’s disconnected. That’s okay, come on up.” He then turned to me, and told me it was time to go. He had a meeting. John was always having “meetings,” you know business. As I turned to go, he asked me to come over to the bed. When I got there he stuck out his hand. He wanted to shake my hand. Now that was really strange. I’ve known the man almost three years and have never seen him shake anybody’s hand, much less mine. After an initial hesitation I grabbed his mitt and shook it. I then said goodbye and left. Two days later John was murdered in his bed. Shot six times, twice in the head. There had been a “contract” out on him, put there by some New York wise guys. I found out later that he had known about it, and decided to do nothing more than sleep with a gun under his pillow. No body guards, no extra locks on the doors, nothing. But it explained two things. Him suddenly calling me Billy instead of Captain, and the hand shake.

One last thing about John Anderson. The day before he died, he pulled some strings and got the possession charge dropped. How the fuck he even knew about it is beyond me. I sure as hell didn’t tell him. I didn’t know about it until a month later when the bail bondsman that sprung me called and told me everything was Kosher thanks to John. You wonder why I loved the man.

Now back to Joanie. When I got back from John’s that night it was past midnight. I finally had gotten some sleep after pacifying Joanie by agreeing to fly over and meet with Neely, but I was still worn out from the events from the day before. Hell, I started the day in jail. Midnight was early for me, but I decided to call it a day.

The next morning I awoke to Joanie standing over my bed, looking down at me.
Fuck, I forgot to lock the door. “Rise and shine sleepy head, it’s a new day.” “Why don’t you go fuck yourself!” “If you’ll get your ass up, I’ll think about.” “Shit Joanie, what the fuck do you want, and what time is it?” “It’s time to get up. Frank is at the airport waiting for you.”

She started right in on me. “You get the money from John? Where is it? Did you count it? Blah, blah, blah. What a fuckin’ way to wake up! Well, deal’s a deal. And anyway, this was going be my last mission for the crazy bitch.

In those days I slept in the nude. And it’s none of your goddamn business how I sleep nowadays. So I’m still in bed with the covers over me, and when Joanie started with her litany of questions, I pulled the sheet up over my head. When she had finished her recitation, she reached down and pulled the sheet completely off of me. She then stood there starring down at yours truly in all my glory. She finally said, “I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” before turning, and leaving me with, “Get dressed, I’m driving you to the airport. You got 15 minutes.”

On the way to the airport, I suddenly remembered my conversation with John of the previous night. The part about him having his own supply. I thought great, maybe I can get out of this trip. So I told Joanie that we no longer had John for a customer. And of course, I had to explain the why’s, the wherefore’s, the whole fuckin’ thing even though it was none of her business.

But it did not dissuade her, no not Joanie. If there was money to be made, she just had tunnel vision. I tried to explain to her that she didn’t have a ghost of a chance of moving six kilos. That’s when she said, “I don’t plan on moving six kilos, I plan on moving eighteen. I’m giving you $270,000.00; you tell Nelly you want eighteen.” I thought that her desire to give a man I did not trust, over a quarter of a million dollars was the second case of monumental stupidity I’d encounted in the last 48 hours, my own case of monumental stupidity being the other.

I explained to her that,”Neely was buying the footballs with our money. It was obvious that his supplier did not trust him for even an hour with six footballs, and you want me to turn over $270,000.000 of your not so hard-earned money to the man? Nothing, I could have gotten more conversation from the Sphinx.

Okay, the “I don’t trust Neely” thing didn’t work, so I played my last gambit. “You know Joanie, I was talking to John a couple of weeks ago, and he said his people in Columbia tell him because of Reagan’s stepped up drug war, no one is bringing up pot anymore. He said the thinking is why take, a chance with fifteen boats to run it in, when you can make the same money, or more, with a small package and just one boat. And you know what that means?” I didn’t wait for an answer before continuing, “It means the market is going to be flooded and the prices are going to drop.” I might as well have saved my breath; she was oblivious to anything I said that involved her buying less then 18 kilos. By the way, just for the record, John was right on. Within a month, the price of a kilo of cocaine dropped from $45,000.00 to $18,000.00 thanks to Ronald Reagan.

Okay, I’m running out of breath here, this is a long-winded tale. I’ll try to shorten it up a bit. I get to Freeport, check in at the hotel, and meet Neely at about 6:00 p.m. He takes the money and tells me he’ll see me in the morning. “In the fuckin’ morning? Are you shittin’ me Neely? What the fuck are you talkin’ about?” “Well, this time I’ve got to go a long way, and I won’t be back until morning.” Then I did the first smart thing I’ve done in days. I thought, “Fuck it. It’s Joanie’s money, I tried to warn her.” So I say to Neely, “See ya’ in the morning, now get the fuck out of here. I’ve got to get ready for a night on the town.”

I told someone very near and dear to me I was going to tell this next tidbit, just to give my take on womanhood. She, being a woman herself, naturally assumed I was going to castigate all women. Oh, ye of little faith. This little vignette will just goes to show why I love women so much.

So I find myself stuck in goddamn Freeport for the night. A tourist trap if I’ve ever saw a tourist trap. The only fuckin’ thing to do is go downstairs and either get drunk or go into the casino. Then I remembered I could do both at the casino.

I get to the casino, and as I’m walking by the bar, I notice this stunning red head. She’s by herself, and dressed in black, in what they used to call a mini skirt. You know the hem came to about mid thigh. Well, as I approached her I can’t help but notice she’s checking me out. That’s makes us even, because I was checking her out. But I wasn’t in town to play around. I wanted to play blackjack. My mother taught the game to me when I was five years old, and played it with my brothers and me until we became wise-ass teenagers. The point being that having learned the game from such and early age, I was able to keep track of most of the cards that had been played. I wasn’t a “card counter,” but pretty close to it.

As I got even with the red head, she stood and blocked my progress. She made it look accidental, but I was flattered, and decided to alter my plans. With my best gentlemanly manner I said, “Excuse me.” She in turn said, “No.” That was different. So I threw caution to the wind and said, “I’m going in to play some blackjack, you wanna’ accompany me and be my good luck piece.” Piece indeed! She responded with, “I’d love to, but I’m waiting for my girl friend.” “Where is she?” Upstairs, she got lucky, she met this guy.” “Well, you just met ‘this guy. ’ You comin’ or not?” “Sure why not.”

Okay, enough of this crap. We went in and I couldn’t lose. I told her it was because of her beauty (how’s that for Irish blarney?). What happened after that is I’m sure of no interest to you folks. But here’s the thing, She was going home the next day to get married. She and her girl friend had come to the Islands for one last fling. Beautiful! Women, you gotta’ fuckin’ love ‘em.

The next day Neely showed up sans footballs He said he could not lay his hands on them at the moment, and that he would call Joanie when he could. He did bring the money back, Most of it. There was $18,000.00 missing. He said it was for the boat we lost at Palm Beach. Nice profit, that piece of shit wasn’t worth more than $7,000.00.

But here’s the thing. As Neely handed me the brown paper bag containing $252,000.000, I saw in his eyes that at that very moment, at that very instant, he regretted coming back at all. It was viable, it radiated out of him like a beacon. And because of that regret, he set in motion events that would result in the death of two people, one of them Joanie.

As soon as Neely left, I called Joanie and told her what Neely had said, and asked her if she could cancel Aldo, she told me it was too late that he should be there any minute. “Aldo’s a bright boy; he’ll call for instructions when he can’t find you.” I in turn called Frank, checked out, and flew back to Fort Lauderdale. Once back on my boat I called her and told to her to come over and get her money.

Of course being Joanie she had a million questions, none of which I could answer. But I did have one piece of advice for her. I told her, “If Neely calls you and tells you he’s now back on track and can supply you again, don’t believe him. He’s going to rip you off.” She told me I was talking nonsense, and that Neely could be trusted. After that I didn’t try, she was a big girl and she could afford to lose the money.

Two days later she told me Neely had called, and she was going over there and take care of business herself. I told her I hoped I was wrong, and wished her luck. It was the last time I ever saw Joanie. Though not the last time I spoke with her.

A day later, she called me and said I had been right about Neely. He had disappeared with her money. She said she was calling from Neely’s bar at West End. She was trying to track him down, but no one, including the employee’s of his bar, had ever heard of someone by the name of Arimus Neely. I asked what she was going to do, and she said, “Frank’s on his way over, I think for right now I’ll go home and think this through. Then I’ll send someone over here to kill Neely.” I told her, It sounded like a plan, have a nice flight, and call me when you got back.” She never did get back. The plane was never found, much less the bodies of Frank and Joanie. Officially, the plane is listed as missing, presumed down, and those on board presumed dead.


You heard me call Joanie many names throughout this tale, but I only tell those I love to go fuck themselves. I had great affection for her, or I would not have gone along on so many of her crazy schemes. The one I’m relating here was only one of many of the adventures Joanie dragged me on; and it was to be the last adventure for both of us.

It’s time to wrap this funfest up. I am now going tell to you what Joanie’s adventure cost me. And don’t worry about Neely, I haven’t forgotten him. We’ll get back to him shortly.

About a week after Joanie and Frank’s plane went down I’m sitting on my boat at about 9:00 p.m. just having a quiet drink by myself. I was still in mourning for Joanie. Henry had flown in a few days earlier, and was on his boat doing what I don’t know. He it took pretty it hard. He wasn’t talking to anyone, especially me. He blamed me for everything. I didn’t try to tell him what the score was, or to defend myself. I just listened to what he had to say, and when he had finished I simply said, “I’m sorry.”

So I’m sitting there when there is a knock on the door, thinking it was a girl, I ignored it. Then there was a loud pounding, which I couldn’t ignore because accompanying the pounding was a male voice saying, “Open up, we know you’re in there.” So what do you think, cops, right? That was my first thought, I only wish it had been the cops.

I went to the door and opened it, and standing there was Sonny, some guy named Dave that I’ve seen around a couple of times, and a bald headed man who I had never seen. Seeing that it was Sonny, I invited them in, and offered them a drink. Sonny turned to me, and said “This is business, serious business; let’s sit down. The bald headed man and Sonny took a seat on the couch, I sat in a chair; Dave remained standing by the door.

Allow me to digress for a moment, and tell you about Dave. He figures quite proximately in some of the upcoming scenes. Dave was the only wise guy that wore a beard. He was a borderline nut job. No humor at all and there wasn’t an ounce of spontaneity in his whole body. he was in a word factitious. He was also fastidious about his appearance and grooming habits. He wasn’t tall, about 5’ 11”, but he was well built. It must have been all those years lifting weights in prison. When I would see him around, he was always hangin’ at my bail bondsman’s office, I’d say hello to him, and never, not once, did I get more than a grunt out of him. He wasn’t from Miami; in fact he was new to the wise guy scene there, as new as I was. He and Sonny had hooked up in prison, but Dave did 22 years, he was fried. Prison does that to a man. I didn’t know how Dave made his money, but I was to find out shortly.

As we seated ourselves Sonny introduced the bald man, “Billy this is Tony S_____ It was his plane that went down on Grand Bahama. He would like to speak to you for a moment.” Sure Mr. S_____ (remember no last names), what can I do for you?” Now, for the first time since I’ve seen Mr. S_____ he spoke, “You can give me the two and a half mil you owe me.” With that pronouncement I thought, “What!”

Yes, that was my first thought, “What.” And my second thought was, “Oh shit!” I looked over to Sonny for some kind of explanation, but he just shrugged his shoulders, and looked down at his hands. He was plainly embarrassed. I looked back to Mr. S______, who henceforth will be referred to as “Mr. Big,” hoping that he might elucidate his statement. He only starred into my eyes, and I could almost feel the hatred. Without taking his eyes from me, Mr. Big says to Sonny, “You tell him.” Please somebody tell me.

Sonny stops looking at his hands, and says, “As I’ve said, the plane and the product that went down over there belonged to Tony; and he feels that you owe him for the product you bought. He feels it’s like buying stolen goods.” My brain couldn’t work that fast. But I did say, looking at Sonny because looking at Mr. Big was too scary, “We only bought twenty four, where does the 2.5 come in?” When I said that Mr. Big cuts in and says, "That is what I would have realized if you hadn’t stolen my product, $100,000.00 per kilo, and ten grand for vig (interest). That’s ten grand per day, but you’ve only got one day.

My fuckin’ head was spinning. I was so confused I even looked over to Dave for help. Nothing. I didn’t say it out loud because I was too scared, but I thought, “You mean I’m being charged retail, like I’m buyin’ it off the street? What the fuck is that all about?”

Then Mr. Big continued, he was getting really wound up, “My brother was flying that plane you asshole. Dave just come back from West End, he had a nice little talk with another asshole by the name of Neely. You’ll be pleased to know the son-of-a-bitch gave you up in the first five seconds.” “First five seconds of what,” I thought. You know it had not occurred to me how they knew I even bought the shit, much less how much of the shit I bought. And because he was having such a good time Mr. Big continued on, “Neely is dead, the broad (Joanie) is dead, and that just leaves you asshole. I really don’t want the money; in fact you’d be dead now if it wasn’t for Sonny, he called in a favor to give you 24 hours to make things right.” I looked at Sonny, and his expression didn’t change, he was still embarrassed

Mr. Big was on a roll now, “This is the way it’s goin’ be asshole, I’m takin’ all the cash you got and if it’s less than half a mil, you’re dead. Then Dave will stay around to make sure you don’t bolt. Because let me tell you asshole, if you do a fade, I’ll do whatever it takes to run you down, and even if it takes a year, or even two, I’ll have your ass back here. And then it won’t be one of Dave’s bullets for ya’. It’ll be the meat hook. Now go get my money.”

Wow, what a perfect end to a not so perfect day! By now I was beginning to come out of my stupor and I could at least remember my name, which was a start. There was no fuckin’ way I was going to come up with two million dollars in 24 hours, not even in 24 days, hell, let’s be honest here ,my big money making days were behind me, there was no fuckin’ way I could ever come up with that kind of dough.

But first things first, I had to get these guys out of my house so I could think. So I did what I have done so well in the past, I went into my obsequious act. “Yes sir, I got a stash in a safety deposit box, I’ll get it first thing in the morning, and thank you for the chance to make things right. I’ve got over $600,000.00 upstairs; I’ll go get it for you now.” “Dave go with him.” Of course that came from Mr. Big.

I headed for the stairs, and ascended, I didn’t wait for Dave, let the son-of-bitch catch up. Once in the bedroom I started rooting around in the closet, pulling out brown paper bags containing cash. All but one was semi hidden. The one that was visible was the one I received for my first run for Sonny, the one with $75,000.00 in it. I dumped the contents of that bag onto the floor first, and started counting. When I finished, I had counted only $55,000.00. There was $20,000.00 missing. Not that I gave a fuck, it wasn’t my money anymore, but still who would take only a potion of a bag of money, and besides no one … Then it dawn on me. Remember me telling that whenever Terry and I would meet we would fuck like rabbits? Well, I didn’t tell you she was remarried, so we always went to my place. Yeah that was definitely a “Terry” move all right. She was always going through my stuff. I just wished she had taken more. I rather she have it than that psycho downstairs.

I also wish Dave wasn’t there, I wanted to keep a little cash for whatever plan I came up with, but old eagle eye just stood there with his arms folded and his usual non-expression on his face. Anyway, there should have been from the tally I kept in my head every time I put another bag in the closet, $650,000.00, but there was only the $630.000.00 I held in my hands, thanks to Terry. And as I’ve said, that was cool with me. I put it all into two of the bags, And just to needle Dave, I tell him I need help carrying the shit downstairs, the fuck just looked at me, and said, “Go.” Meaning of course get my ass downstairs. I figured that if Mr. Big was going to leave Dave with me, there would be plenty of time to fuck with him later.

We go downstairs with the money, and I hold the two bags out to Mr. Big; he makes no movement to accept them, he just says, “Dave take my money from the asshole. Okay asshole, how much did you come up with?” I told him, and he looks down at his gold Rolex before saying you’ve got until 10:00 p.m. tomorrow night to come up with the rest.” I thought, because I sure as hell wasn’t going to say it out loud, “You dumb fuck, 10:00 p.m. tomorrow night is redundant.” With his redundant statement behind him, Mr. Big goes to the door and waits for Dave to open it. I was damn glad Sonny didn’t open it; I would have been disappointed in him.

Mr. Big walked out first followed by Dave and my ex-money. Sonny held back and waited for them to get down the dock a piece before saying, “Sorry Billy, I did the best I could. I’d give you the money, but, Tony said that if I did he’d kill me and my family. The son-of-a-bitch is really pissed off.” I told “Sonny thanks for buyin’ me the time. And thanks for the offer of the money, even if you can’t do anything about it.” We shook hands and that was the last time I saw or spoke to my friend Sonny.

After Sonny left, I left the front door open because I expected happy boy Dave to return to take up his guard dog duties. I went over to the drink I was drinking when they arrived, diluted with melted ice. Right then I needed a drink or two to stop my hands from shaking. I know I sounded flippant relating some of my thoughts at the time. But I assure you, I was very scared.

I made myself a strong drink and while at it, thought that if maybe I could get Dave drunk and then … Fuck, I forgot the bastard didn’t drink. And speaking of bastards, where the fuck was Dave? I went to the door, no Dave, so I went up onto the dock and saw him standing at the entrance to the marina.

One more digression, if you please. This is very important to the story. The marina was situated behind a seafood restaurant. The building was in the middle, and on either side were parking lots for the cars of the people who lived in the marina. One dock was on the north side of the building, one on the south side, with one in the middle for good measure. The people who lived on the north dock parked in the north parking lot, and the people who live on the south dock, of course, parked in the south parking lot. The poor bastards that lived on the middle dock, parked wherever the hell they pleased. And one could only get into, or out of, the marina through one of the walkways at each parking lot. Though one could traverse from dock to dock, and parking lot to parking lot via a walkway that ran along the head, or beginning of each dock. In short what I’ve taken the long way around to say is, that if one was so inclined one could park in either lot and still walk to one’s boat. And as it happened, I was so inclined. More on that in a minute, but right now dear Dave is waiting for us.

I walked up to Dave, and knowing there wasn’t much he could do until the time limit was up, I decided to test his resolve. “Hey Dave what cha’ doin’ out here, you are house broken aren’t you? If so, why not come in, I’ll fix ya’ drink.” “You think you’re so fuckin’ funny don’t ya’? Well get this straight, I’m standin’ here all night, you want to get to your car ya’ goin’ have to go through me. Now why not get your sorry ass back on the fuckin’ boat.” “Hey Dave, I’ve known you for two years, and that’s the most words I’ve ever heard you utter. You know what utter means, it’s under a cow, it’s her teats. Don’t fall asleep on the job.” With that bit of hilarity I split. I was one happy motherfucker; Dave had just told me how I was going to give him the slip.

Man these digressions are getting ponderous, but at times they just gotta’ be. May this be the last of them. Girlfriends, a strange breed indeed, but one worthy of study, at least in my humble opinion. Well, I’ve had girlfriends where I had to hide every goddamn knife in the house before they came over, I’ve had them fly through my windows because I wouldn’t let them in, and of course I’ve had them slash the tires on my car. Par for the course I always thought. Well I just stopped seeing this one girl who was the Tiger Woods of slashing car tires. In the past when a girl got angry with me, one tire was enough to express her dissatisfaction. But this one girl was a four-tire girl. Not once, but twice. But I have very fond memories of her even though I have no idea who the hell she was. I mean I knew at the time, but in my dotage I’ve completely forgotten her. But that crazy broad saved my life.

Let me explain. After the second go round, I started parking in the south lot; I lived on the north dock. So on the night in question my car was parked in the south lot, and our friend Dead Eye Dave was watching the north lot. All I had to do was get to my car, and as they say nowadays, I was goin’ be outta’ there.

But how to effect my leaving without ‘ol Dead Eye seein’ me? Then it came to me, Jay my gay friend whose boat was on the south dock. Now I know I told you kind folks that digressing should be avoided at all coast, but we cannot give short shift to Jay. After all, the man helped me in my greatest moment of need.

I had known Jay for a couple of years, we for some reason became fast friends soon after his move into the marina. Our life styles could not have been more different, he, enmeshed in the gay life style, and believe me gentle reader gayness was not as tolerated in 1980 as it is today, the culture was just emerging from the shadows of Stonewall (look it up); and me Mr. Get Laid Every Five Minutes became, if I dare say it, mental lovers. We understood one another from the soul outwards. He would take me to the bathhouses of Key West, and I in turn would take him to my gettin’ laid haunts. We both smiled and appreciated each other’s lives, but put a gun either of our heads and neither one of us would have partaken of the other’s lifestyle.

Because of the tire slasher I started parking in the south lot in an effort to save a few bucks on new tires every other day. My car was there that night. ‘Ol Dead Eye was guarding the wrong lot. Or more to the point he thought my car was in the north lot. So all I had to do was get to my car in the south lot, and as I’ve said before, “I was outta’ there.” But the only problem was I couldn’t walk there, I’d have to pass Dead Eye to get to my car, and we all know that wasn’t goin’ work. So how’s a hounded man to make his escape? By water of course, and a little help from a friend.

I don’t know if any of you are familiar with the seawall system they have in South Florida, but one cannot get out of the water once in if there is not a ladder present. And there was no such ladder at our marina.

Here’s the plan I came up with. I would strip down, put my clothes in a plastic bag, and swim over to Jay’s boat. He had a small speedboat tied up behind his boat, and if he lowered the ladder that was attached to the dive platform, I could get out of the water no sweat. Then I’d be on the south dock and have easy access to my car, no? No. Because the two entrances were not that far apart, Dead Eye might see me as I passed into the south parking lot. But one thing at a time. First to see if Jay was home.

I called Jay and he was home. I told him, “Don’t ask any questions. Just do me a favor, get on your boat, and put the ladder down. I’m swimming over and I’ll explain when I get there. This is no joke; I’ll see you in about five, or ten minutes. Thanks.”

After hanging up the phone, I went upstairs to see what, if anything was important enough to bring with me. There wasn’t really anything, but some cash would be nice. That’s when I remembered my emergency stash. It was only five thousand dollars; I had put it under the carpet years ago when $5,000.00 was a lot of money to me. Well, it looked like it was back to being big money again.

I went to the corner of the room, pulled up the carpet, got the money, and went downstairs to the kitchen. I then got a plastic garbage bag and walked into the living room where I stripped down, putting my clothes in the bag as I took them off, the boots were the last to go in.

Outside of the living room was a small porch that was accessed by sliding open the glass door that stood between the two. I went out onto the porch and looked over the railing and into the dark water. Even though it was nearly midnight, I feared one of my neighbors would see me standing there nude and call out to me. You know make a joke or something. We were a hip little community; the nudity wouldn’t have bothered anyone. The commotion might attract Dave’s attention though. So with out further ado, I stepped over the railing and gingerly lowered myself into the water, no splashing, Dave remember.

Once in the water, I reached up to the deck of the boat and retrieved the bag of clothes. Then it was simply a matter of doing the sidestroke with one arm, and keeping the bag out of the water with the other. I was to Jay’s in less than a minute, and he was there waiting for me with a towel in his hand. I tossed him the bag and climbed up the ladder. Jay handed me the towel saying, “I’ve waited a long time to see you in the nude.” “Take a good long look because first of all I owe you, and secondly it’s the last time you’re going see me in the nude or any other way.”

After getting dried off and dressed, Jay and I climbed out of the speedboat and into his living room. We had to climb through a window to get into the living room because his little boat was tied up behind his houseboat and that was the only way on or off it.

Once inside Jay said, “Okay what happening? “Listen, there a gorilla standing guard at the head of my dock, he’s waiting for me, and I’ve got to get out of here without him seeing me. And I’m going to need your help to do it.” “What do you want me to do?” “Just walk over to him and try to engage him in conversation. I say try because the son-of-a-bitch will probably just grunt, if he doesn’t take a swing at you.” “Sounds like a pleasant fellow.” Yeah, a real sweetheart. But here’s the thing, you have to maneuver him so his back is to the south parking lot. I’ll be on the dock out view, but I’ll be peeking around the corner of the boat, and when you got him facing north, I’ll skedaddle across the open space and into the lot. How’s that for a plan?” “You want to tell me what’s really going on” No, but if this works you won’t see me again, and I just want you to know that you’ve been a good friend. For a fagot that is.” Jay and I were that close that we could kid one another in that manner with no offence taken. You should have heard some of the things he had called me.

Well that’s my story. Everything worked out, and I was in my car heading north before I knew it. I had no idea where I was going. I had $5,000.000 and the clothes on my back. I could not keep the car, too easy to trace. I drove to Fort Lauderdale airport, maybe they’d think I took a plane somewhere, and pulled into the parking garage. I parked the car, leaving the keys in the ignition, walked to the terminal, hailed a cab, and drove off into a new life.
The End

Post Script: I broke contact with everyone I knew including my family. It’s been thirty years now and I’ve just recently resurfaced. I found a couple of old friends on facebook, and sent both of them the same message, “Just crawled out of my grave, thought I’d say hi.”

Post Post Script: I did run into Dave fourteen years later. It was quite accidental I assure you. There’s really nothing to relate, except if by some strange twist of fate you are reading these words Dave; my arms are fine, and you inflicted no lasting damage, so go fuck yourself.















































To be continued ...